- Nikki Bella is speaking out about her breakup with John Cena in her new memoir, Incomparable, which is on shelves today
- Bella has admitted in her book that the pair ‘struggled to align’ their very different goals for much of their six year long romance
- ‘Because I was terrified of losing my love, I stuffed my desire for marriage and kids as deep as I could,’ wrote the Total Divas star
- Bella also admitted she was affected by rumors that her breakup with Cena was purely a ploy for ratings for her show Total Bellas
- Just months after their split, Nikki began dating professional dancer Artem Chigvintsev, whom she met while appearing on Dancing with the Stars
- The pair are expecting their first 𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘥 together
Nikki Bella is speaking out about her breakup with John Cena in her new memoir, Incomparable.
The reality TV star, 36, and the wrestler-turned-actor, 43, broke up in April 2018 after a six-year-long relationship spent largely in the spotlight.
And Bella has admitted in her book that the pair ‘struggled to align’ their very different goals for much of that romance.
Happy now: Nikki Bella is speaking out about her breakup with John Cena in her new memoir, Incomparable
Rather than turn and face that, I pushed it under the carpet and figured I could pretend like it wasn’t there. Because I was terrified of losing my love, I stuffed my desire for marriage and kids as deep as I could,’ wrote the Total Divas star.
He had made it clear that they weren’t on the menu for him. That’s tough, though, because if you’re inclined that way, then the more you grow to love someone, the more you want it all,’ continued Nikki.
I stopped giving voice to those needs, though. I was worried my ex would call it off and let me go. And while I wanted those things very badly – I just wanted him more.’
Happier times: The reality TV star, 36, and the wrestler-turned-actor, 43, broke up in April 2018 after a six-year-long relationship spent largely in the spotlight.
The twin sister of Brie Bella then described how John -to whom she became engaged in 2017- wouldn’t leave her side after she received surgery for a herniated disc in her neck in 2016.
‘He curled up into the fetal position. He wouldn’t let anyone send him home. He helped me go to the bathroom, even though it made me want to die with embarrassment,’ Nikki recalled.
‘I couldn’t stand to feel so needy, even though it seemed to make him so happy to take care of me.’
‘I wish I had seen that experience for what it was: an opportunity for me to identify, and then talk about, how undeserving and unworthy I felt, how terrified it made me feel to be dependent. How uncomfortable it makes me feel when I’m not working for affection but instead just basking in love.’
Out of sync: Bella has admitted in her book that the pair ‘struggled to align’ their very different goals for much of that romance
Looking back, Nikki -whose real name is Stephanie Nicole Garcia-Colace- said, ‘I have many regrets about that relationship.’
‘The primary one is that I wish I’d known myself better before I got into it. I wish I’d understood how the patterns in my life, and my relationship with my own father, informed how I react to love, boundaries, and feelings of abandonment.’
‘I think I could have averted some of what happened. Because my dad left when I was 15, I learned how to fill in the holes. I expect to be left behind and to find a way to not confront or acknowledge those feelings of loneliness and abandonment.’
She also said the couple’s busy schedules left her feeling ‘pathologically lonely’.
‘I was intent on fitting into the contours of [John’s] very busy and big life. That was paramount to me, pleasing and keeping him content, not voicing my own needs.’
‘He had no idea I wasn’t getting what I needed because I never said anything.’
‘Because I assumed he wasn’t willing to make sacrifices, I did not persistently ask,’ continued the athlete.
‘Because I was so fixated on what I believed he wanted, I made many decisions on his behalf, even though I was losing myself in the process.’
Bella admitted she was affected by rumors that her breakup with Cena was purely a ploy for ratings for her show Total Bellas.
‘The fallout was terrible, particularly the speculation within the news media and on social media that it was all for ratings,’ wrote the TV personality.
‘The thing about reality TV is that you don’t get to pick and choose what you show — and the pressure from filming inherently creates drama. It brings things to a head by applying a heavy load to the sensitive parts of your life.’
‘Having our relationship fall apart on national TV was excruciating. I had to relive it all again, while also having my heart broken from missing my ex.’
Bumping along nicely: Nikki and Artem are now expecting their first 𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘥 together
However just months after their split, Nikki began dating professional dancer Artem Chigvintsev, whom she met while appearing on Dancing with the Stars.
She credited that show with helping her to finally feel ‘independent,’ admitted Nikki, saying, ‘I liked how it felt to be that independent girl.’
‘I had been sitting in a jail cell without realizing that the door wasn’t locked and that I had built it myself. After Dancing with the Stars, I felt like I’d found myself. I didn’t want to lose her again.’
‘[What] Dancing with the Stars also unlocked for me was the idea that I can stand on my own. I think it’s partly growing up as a twin, and then becoming a star based on that twindom, but being involved with a mega-star also undermined some of my faith in myself.’
Nikki and Artem are now expecting their first 𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘥 together.
Incomparable is on stands now.
He’s got a type: Cena seen here with new girlfriend Shay Shariatzadeh, 29
